As you might have noticed, I haven't been around much during the slide into the worst part of my relapse, nor much so far during my early weeks striving for recovery (again).
This is mostly because the worst part of my relapse tied directly into things I can't get into on this blog for my own privacy (for all that this blog is at least semi-anonymous).
It's also also because ~dearth of interesting ideas~
As a general update for those who are playing along at home:
- My weight has finally started to go back up. I had my annual GYN exam Friday and (in jeans) I was back up to my weight from about October. If you saw me in October, you're going, "Seriously, that's it?" right now. And yeah, seriously, that's it, but I'm calling it a win. (Point of interest for longtime readers: my doctor actually laughed [with me not at me] at what a painful-looking job I did on my last wax.)
- Today I had my first ever super exciting echocardiogram. (Pro tip: it was cold.) I meant to ask for the pictures to be emailed to me (because who doesn't want to look at their own heart? I sure as shit do) but I forgot. Pretty sure I forgot because I had to fast before this appointment. I may have a history of anorexia and all, but I do not do well with fasting.
- Last night I had an intake meeting for a NYC-based organization called the Center for the Study of Anorexia and Bulimia. This will be to find an individual therapist who is more effective for me than the one I was seeing in 2011, as well as possibly for group therapy. I'm going to a separate monthly support group for the first time on Thursday night, through a group called ROAED.
- I have been (for a whole 8 days now) going to the gym in our building's basement. I can say without exaggeration that this is - for whatever reason - the first time in my life that I've gone to the gym without undue obsession over calories burned. No idea why, but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. [redacted]'s jaw will hit the floor when I tell her that I actually ran today. (Okay, I ran for 4 of the minutes. What. It counts.)
I have more to say. About marriage and recovery and how it's a whole other beast recovering while partnered than recovering while single. About trying not to play the Cassandra with hand-wringing over, "Oh, it's not so entirely horrendous now, but it's going to be, oh, it's going to be!" About things that are more interesting than bullet-pointed lists, generally.
But that can come later.