Possibly THE most offensive article I have EVER read

Bea, beach bodies and the thorny problem of the Mummy gene ...
by Stupid McBitchface Amanda Platell
at the Daily Mail

See the link to the article above? Go read it, then come back here. I'll wait.


Did you read it? Okay, good. Now we can continue. I'll start with the obvious:

"... a young woman can run, she can hide, but there's no escaping The Curse Of The Mummy Gene."

Gee, Amanda Platell, I had no idea a) who you were, or b) that you were a geneticist. Please, continue!

"Puberty can be a cruel thing, but there is a time when a young woman must take responsibility for her own thighs and accept that whatever genes you inherit, you can - and probably should - make changes to your lifestyle and diet in an effort to do something about it.

I suspect that for all her natural beauty, when Beatrice sees these holiday snaps, she may think that moment is fast approaching."

Really?? Wow! It's a good thing she had you and scum sucking pseudo-journalists like you to point this out for her! Otherwise she might never have noticed! She might have looked at her vacation pictures and thought, "Ouch, that was the day I got sunburned," or, "Oh, I hope I still have the email of that cool painter I met that day; I'd love to buy some of her stuff to decorate my flat." Amanda, I'm so glad you can really prioritize. I'm also glad that millions of young Brit girls will read this article and be reminded that they should probably do something about the horror of their developing curves. I mean, God forbid that they one day wake up and look like a Botticelli or the Venus de Milo. That would be awful.

But I shan't forget your strongest point in the whole piece! Rather than neglect the Windsor men, you pointed out that:

"Of course, the Princess has always lived with the double-edged sword of the Windsor genes. Double-edged in the sense that they bring undreamed of privilege and wealth - but also troublesome and rather unfortunate physical characteristics. Charles was quite dashing until he hit 25 - but then he started developing that pear-shape that's so unattractive in men."

Now, this was really my favorite part of the entire piece, Amanda dear: You completely cut off the mention of Charles and Andrew and the other male Windsors who are at less than their physical peak without submitting them to the petty and superficial criticism to which you subject Fergie and her daughter Beatrice. You don't mention that men can exercise just as well as women, or suggest that men are 100% in control of their own DNA, as you suggest women are (and you should know - you're the journalist genetics expert). You just gloss over that and get to what a human being actually can't control:

"Sadly, the bald gene has also passed on to poor William. If his hairline continues to recede at its current rate, he'll be as bald as a bandicoot by time he's 30.

But there's nothing you can do about that. Thighs you can do something about - as Beatrice may need to find out for herself."

I also find it really sweet that you offer such keen observations as:

"If and when she sets about changing her body shape, Bea will discover there is no substitute for sensible eating and tough exercise. Something that Fergie knows better than most.

Beatrice does not have to carry the sins of the mother on her thighs."

Because there's nothing classier than pointing out that one female who's beyond out of control with her food and body must produce another female who's out of control with same, and that a less-than-ideal physique is actually a moral issue. I looked it up and it's actually a Newtonian Law. You never heard of that one, right?! I know! It came right after the apple plunked him on the head. He brought a bunch of apples home, his wife baked two apple pies, and they each ate one. Everyone called her a fat heifer, and he got off scott free.

Forgetting Isaac Newton for a moment, I think you and your editor were really ingenious in omitting any mention of the extra mother/daughter bikini pictures accompanying your article. I mean, no one really needs to be reminded that supermodel Jerry Hall and her daughter Lizzie and Princess Caroline and daughter Princes Charlotte aren't just thin from "sensible eating and tough exercise;" they're also thin from... let's face it: The Mummy Gene. I bet those mothers and daughters are roughly the same height, too, with comparable shoes sizes, like my mom and I are. And all my friends and their moms are... But pointing that out would ruin the entire thesis of your Cambridge-worthy piece, so I'm really glad you left out that little tidbit. I mean, some things you just can't change, right? Without steel bolts in your shins, or slicing off a heel and a toe here and there, that is.

Then again, if you'd felt like including a mention of the acceptably shaped mothers and daughters, it would have been as simple as a paragraph about liposuction and gastric banding! Not that I'm suggesting any of the svelter royal women have had these procedures; I'm suggesting that those surgeries would be great options for Princess Bea.

Yeah. And Wills can use Procede by Giuseppe Franco. But you probably don't need to mention that.