Tonight I emailed one of Les Comtesses that "I mostly spent the weekend at war with food." I must not have an impartial view of my own writing style, because right until I typed out the words "at war," I would've said that was just too hyperbolic for me. But then I typed just those words, and they sure did seem just right.
I am at a point where every food feels as though it teeters on a fence. If the food falls one way, I can engage in normalized eating. If the food falls the other way, the food is either a total no-go, or a surprise binge food. (Binge foods and forbidden foods are not necessarily the same foods.) This is a maddening way to exist, when apples act as land mines.
When I say "binge foods," I don't mean necessarily that I go out for lunch, buy a salad, eat the salad, it turns into a binge food, and I go get three more salads. I mean that I go out for lunch, buy a salad, and proceed to eat the salad in such a way that I am not just eating a salad. I find I can't articulate better than that. Sometimes, I'm just eating a salad. Or an apple. Or whatever. But sometimes, I'm eating a dirty bomb. Or a biological weapon. Or a good, old-fashioned hand grenade.
This weekend, everything was the hand grenade.
On Thursday, the therapist and I tried to strategize. Rather, I tried to strategize and she tried to get me to quit strategizing and list-making and to possibly just be okay with observing. In my fit of battlefield mapping, though, I did realize that food journals and meal plans are not going to work for me right now. They work against my every instinct to resist taking things one day at a time, one meal at a time.
So at the moment I'm meant to be not planning, not strategizing, not going over the top just because I'm sick of being down in the trenches, only to be mowed down by the first truffled-colored bullet that plants itself in my gut. I'm meant to be above the battlefield, watching how it plays out, observing, accepting.
Apparently I really suck at that, because I still spent the weekend all at war. And while I was, by definition, just observing, not strategizing, it's hard to keep up troop morale with what I see.