Food Wars

Tonight I emailed one of Les Comtesses that "I mostly spent the weekend at war with food."  I must not have an impartial view of my own writing style, because right until I typed out the words "at war," I would've said that was just too hyperbolic for me.  But then I typed just those words, and they sure did seem just right.

I am at a point where every food feels as though it teeters on a fence.  If the food falls one way, I can engage in normalized eating.  If the food falls the other way, the food is either a total no-go, or a surprise binge food.  (Binge foods and forbidden foods are not necessarily the same foods.)  This is a maddening way to exist, when apples act as land mines.

When I say "binge foods," I don't mean necessarily that I go out for lunch, buy a salad, eat the salad, it turns into a binge food, and I go get three more salads.  I mean that I go out for lunch, buy a salad, and proceed to eat the salad in such a way that I am not just eating a salad.  I find I can't articulate better than that.  Sometimes, I'm just eating a salad.  Or an apple.  Or whatever.  But sometimes, I'm eating a dirty bomb.  Or a biological weapon.  Or a good, old-fashioned hand grenade.

This weekend, everything was the hand grenade.

On Thursday, the therapist and I tried to strategize.  Rather, I tried to strategize and she tried to get me to quit strategizing and list-making and to possibly just be okay with observing.  In my fit of battlefield mapping, though, I did realize that food journals and meal plans are not going to work for me right now. They work against my every instinct to resist taking things one day at a time, one meal at a time.

So at the moment I'm meant to be not planning, not strategizing, not going over the top just because I'm sick of being down in the trenches, only to be mowed down by the first truffled-colored bullet that plants itself in my gut.  I'm meant to be above the battlefield, watching how it plays out, observing, accepting.

Apparently I really suck at that, because I still spent the weekend all at war.  And while I was, by definition, just observing, not strategizing, it's hard to keep up troop morale with what I see.


  1. First of all... <3 This is hard. I'd say i know, but I don't. I'm not in your head, and it's different for each of us, but it is hard, so- <3

    I maintain what I said before, that you're winning, because it's apparent to me that you are. There are some battles, some wars, that require grandiose victories, and some that require simple daily struggles.

    This battle- as much as we want to be the general, declare a grand charge, and see our weight change to what we want it to be, we can't. And that sucks.

    What we can do is win little battles. If i had to bet on you vs. the apple.... well, that poor apple never had a chance. :)

  2. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say it's not what you eat, it's how you eat it. I am so glad someone else feels that way too! (I mean, obviously I'm not glad that you're going through this; I'm just glad to see that I'm not alone.) I've never been able to properly explain why certain binges are binges.

    Good luck. I second pretty much everything Vianki said. You're awesome.

  3. No experience with ED, but with GAD, well, I'm at war with everyfuckingthing. My therapist wants me to stop list making and note taking, and in a way, she's right. List making, like overcleaning, is a controlling behavior on my part, something born of fear and a need to control the entire world, and I can't do that. I need to stop trying.

    OTOH, my memory's shot, and not all of that is GAD. Some of it's other problems, so lists and notes are necessary for me to keep up with the normals. I suppose I could stop making lists of what will happen when- when- I get fired, though.

    All told, I understand the feeling of being at war, a war I can't win, a war that is harming me and doing no good anyway. Easier to say that I need to end the war than actually doing it.

  4. Thanks, everyone. ^_^ Your comments really help each time I read them.

    That being said, EXACTLY, WTF, being reasonably intelligent people, it is THE WORST to intellectually understand what you should/can/are able to do (technically speaking), and not to be able to immediately flip a switch or make a list and DO IT.

    Worst. Feeling. Ever. (Not literally. But... you know what I mean.)


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