Thank you for your comments and emails after last night's post. I really do appreciate the understanding, the support, the sounding back of the "oh, so it isn't just me?"
What it comes down to is that I want to feel peace. I want to feel peace in my body, and peace in my eating. I want my body just to be my body, and my food just to be my food. I want my body to be just an intricate organic machine housing who I am. I want my food to be just the enjoyable fuel running the machine and rebuilding its damaged parts.
That's what I want. I want us to be at peace amongst ourselves. I defy that such a thing is impossible in this culture in general, or for me in particular. I defy and deny it and refuse to believe it.
Last week, my therapist and I discussed how bingeing and then purging acts as a vehicle through which I manage my desires, and try to regulate longing. For now, it's literal longing for certain foods I feel I can't have in moderation, for whatever reason. But underneath the literal food stuff lie the actual desires that part of me wants to regulate.
Maybe that's what the battle fever has been about lately: unearthing, via dynamite, the desire for peace.