And now, I will talk about something that produces feelings of intense shame, and which I therefore don't talk about here a lot, outright. Bingeing.
Bingeing, purging and restricting is a self-perpetuating cycle, and most eating disorders feature it in some way. The bingeing isn't always an objective binge, the purging isn't always vomiting, and the restricting isn't always the restricting of calories, but the cycle is pretty universally applicable.
Now that I've explained that in so many words, I could be about to tell you about a subjective binge I had involving an objectively appropriate amount of food, and a purgative episode that only entailed fasting or exercise, and a restrictive behavior that was the restriction of social interaction.
But I'm not. I'm talking about bingeing on an objectively unnecessary amount of food. I'm talking about purging by vomiting. And I'm talking about restricting by limiting food variety and amount to an objectively inappropriate level. And primarily, I'm talking about the bingeing.
Generally, the farther you get into an eating disorder that involves restricting, the more and more limited your "safe" foods get. And if you have an eating disorder that also involves bingeing *waves*, the farther you get into that restricting, the more kinds of foods become potential binge foods. Luna bars are a recent example of mine. I actually binged on Luna bars. Because that's what was around that wasn't a "safe" food. That's what was on hand.
I keep getting tripped up over in Hell lately. PF mentioned in a recent post that mentioning or displaying pain is verboten in polite society. So are bingeing eating behaviors. Anorexia is at once less and more secretive, at least its popularly known features are, than bingeing that takes place in bulimia and in binge eating disorder. (And that also takes place in anorexia, but that doesn't count if you can't see it, right? Right. Anorexics are holy. Bulimics are gross.)
Today the discussion is about* access to food, and all I can think - maybe rightly so - is what a fucking little shit I feel like that I recently binged. On Luna bars. Which are expensive. Addictions are expensive: alcohol is expensive, cigarettes are expensive, gambling is expensive. An eating disorder, binges or not, isn't an addiction - not chemically, not behaviorally. But a bingeing eating disorder is a privileged expense; there's no denying that. So on top of the guilt about having an eating disorder at all, add the guilt of, well, being a disordered, privileged little shit.
There is guilt in the restricting, and of course in the purging, too. But for me the guilt has always been primarily about the bingeing, which is why I usually pussyfoot around it here. The guilt is about the money, even though I can afford what I'm doing. (The guilt is that I can afford it, partly.)
The guilt is about the waste, regardless of money. The guilt is basically that I'm taking too much. The purging is because there will be too much of me if I don't. The restricting is because there is just enough of me right now. And the bingeing is, biologically, a physiological response to there not being enough. And the bingeing is, subconsciously, a revolt, a demand for more. Rinse and repeat, ad nauseam. (Ha. "nauseam." Get it? Do u see wut I did thar?)
And this post is after my second week of therapy. Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I have a lot of work to do.
*or was supposed to be about, before everyone missed the point in a round of really peerless privilege display, which the redacted Comtesse has named "carsplaining"