Basically every day over the about two and a half years it took for my weight to reach bottom, almost every day, I said to myself, "It's going to suck putting this weight back on and eating healthily again. It's going to suck royally."
And it does. It does, in fact, suck royally. Imperially, even.
I haven't actually begun to even gain weight yet, but rather have just been getting more nutrients and calories into my body.
And yet. It sucks. Royally. Imperially.
I'm distracting myself a lot with work, or sudoku, or rereading The Lord of the Rings.
I'm thinking happily about all the summer clothes I have, and love, that are too big right now. I'm taking deliberate time to appreciate the physical energy I have.
I'm breathing through anxiety. I'm going through nutritionist litanies in my head, about how feelings are like waves, they have peaks and they never last forever.
I'm surviving, so far, but it sucks. It sucks royally.
You guys, it hasn't even been one. week.
This sucks.
You can do it! I'm an anonymous reader but I've been following your blog for a while. I'm cheering for you and I know there are so many others who are as well. It sucks but you can do it!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Cathy. :)
ReplyDeleteI am going to take this comment and wedge it in my brain for today, seriously.
I am another anonymous reader who has been following your blog for a while. I have so much hope for you! I had my own eating disorders, although not nearly as severe as yours, and it was so hard and it sucked to walk away from the voice in my head, but it was worth it. It is much harder than using the eating disorder as a crutch, but 10 years on the freedom is worth all of that suffering. So please hang on and believe that every painful step is worth it!
ReplyDeleteThanks, po. :) Today was a little better than yesterday, which is the name of the game, right? Right.
ReplyDeleteim always here for you, reach out if you need anything! like a meow or a virtual hug or an ear. i love you- every day is hard for me too, but i know i can do it! and i know you can do it!! and by "it" i mean life !!
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna third Cathy and Po. You're further along the recovery path than me, and you give me hope. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Demented Babydoll-sheil and Salix. ^_^
ReplyDeleteLast night sucked, but today will be better or I will kick it in its metaphorical nuts.