Pregnancy weight gain. From what I read, it's not particularly comfortable for a lot of people, eating disorder history or no. But I think we'd be kidding ourselves if we said that ED history doesn't potentially level up the challenge.
During my first trimester, initially I lost weight (once the free fluid from OHSS finally cleared out) and ended up almost even, maybe a little over baseline. Now solidly into my second trimester, I seem to have hit a weight gain stride.
So that's been interesting.
It spurs an intimately familiar thought pattern: "I gained X. At this rate, that means I'm going to gain X+infinity." Except that's not how it works. That's never how it works. But it sounds reminiscent of ED thought patterns. "They want me to gain X. I know I'm not going to stop at X. I'm just going to keep gaining and gaining and it'll be totally out of my control. You'll see. I can't trust my body. It has no idea what it's doing. I have to keep it under control."
The concrete difference here is that I have no desire to control in a disordered way. During my eating disordered years, even when I wasn't engaging in disordered behavior, the fierce pull to do so was always ready to spring. But now it's not so much as whispering to me. I mean, thank goodness, don't get me wrong. But color me surprised.
Anyway. For now, I'm just rolling along doing what I'm doing. I passed the early glucose challenge screen (with PCOS you take one around 14-16 weeks, in addition to the normal one, which is next week for me), so, so far so good on that end. We had two normal anatomy scans at 16 weeks and 22 weeks. Everything's clearly going okay so far. (Except the heartburn. It can fuck right off.)
So really I'm back, in this new strange way, to a very familiar spot: Trust your body. It can do this. You can do this. Other people have done this! And they did just fine! The more things change...