Pregnancy weight gain. From what I hear, it's not particularly comfortable for a lot of people, eating disorder history or no. But I think we'd be kidding ourselves if we said that ED history doesn't potentially level up the challenge.
During my first trimester, initially I lost weight (once the 10 lbs. of free fluid from OHSS finally cleared out of my abdomen) and ended up almost even, a little over baseline. Now about four weeks into my second trimester, I seem to have hit a weight gain stride.
So that's been interesting.
It spurs an intimately familiar thought pattern: "I gained X. That means I'm going to gain X+infinity." Except that's not how it works. That's never how it works. But it's reminiscent of ED thought patterns. "They want me to gain X. I know I'm not going to stop at X. I'm just going to keep gaining and gaining and it'll be totally out of my control. You'll see. I can't trust my body. It has no idea what it's doing. I have to keep it under control."
The concrete difference here is that I have no desire to control in a disordered way. During my eating disordered years, even when I wasn't engaging in disordered behavior, the trap of wanting to was always ready to spring. But now it's not so much as lurking underfoot. I mean, thank goodness, don't get me wrong. But color me surprised.
Anyway. For now, I'm just rolling along doing what I'm doing. I passed the early glucose challenge test (with PCOS you take one around 14-16 weeks, in addition to the normal one later on). We had a normal anatomy scan a week ago (for some reason my practice does two, the next one at the standard 20-22 weeks). Everything's clearly going okay so far. (Except the heartburn. It can fuck right off.)
So really I'm back, in this new strange way, to a very familiar spot: Trust your body. It can do this. You can do this. Other people have done this! And they did just fine! The more things change...