As previously established, the first absence was due to wanting to get my mental ducks in a row, and then to being unsure how to talk about our struggle with infertility here.
More recently, the second, shorter absence has mostly been related to one thing: how do I come out about IVF on my blog?
Anyway, I suppose I just came out about IVF on my blog. (We're doing IVF. Lovingly nicknamed Operation: Human Pincushion.)
I was prompted to finally put words to digital paper when the Siamese Prince, for the third time this evening, plopped squarely down on my latest injection sites. Ow.
But I was also goaded into finally writing about this because we're going to a Super Bowl party. The Super Bowl, we are to understand, takes place around and during the hours of 7-8:00pm EST. My IVF injections, we are further to understand, take place within this same timeframe.
I am left with a dilemma. The party is at my brother-in-law's. How to peace out gracefully, since I have to get home at a certain time to take my Gonal-F out of the fridge 30 minutes ahead of use, in order to prepare that medicine (along with the others) within the one-hour window for dose delivery?
For me it's further complicated because this party will be populated by family members who haven't seen me in a while, but who have all seen me very, very thin. And very thin. And thin. And now see me... normal.
No matter how far I get away from eating disordered behaviors, I'm really unconvinced that this feeling will ever leave me: the dyspeptic feeling that arises when I see someone for the first time in a long time, and it's someone who's commented on my weight in the past ("You're so skinny!"). I can't pretend that if someone notices the weight loss, they don't also notice the weight gain. And try as I might, I can't yet move myself to not care that people notice.
Did I also mention that IVF meds cause a pretty impressive amount of lower abdominal bloat the more days you take them? (Sunday is day 10. Average length of use is 8-12 days.) In other words, you guys, I look vaguely pregnant. And I don't fit into my pants.
Here's the skinny. (Ha. See what I did there?) I hesitated to talk about IVF here because I have many Catholic friends and family, and other friends and acquaintances who believe pretty strongly in the "when sperm meets egg" starting point for human life.
I don't share that viewpoint, but I understand it. And my guess is that the impulse that gives me agita about people noticing my weight gain is related to the feeling of not wanting my differently-believing friends and family to think poorly of me.
But there you have it. We're at IVF, the end of the reproductive road. I've gained weight since seeing the RE, and people have noticed/will notice. And I care what people think. Hi, I'm Cynical Nymph, and I'm an approval-aholic.