Eating Disorders: Magical Realism

I am really, super tired of feeling like I want to scratch off my own skin.  I haven't even been feeling that way that long, really only about 48 hours.  But it's here.  The mental piece of knowing I'm consuming more nutritive things is no longer alone.  Now it's being slowly but surely joined by the feeling of body parts filling out, just ever so slightly.

The husband has been asking me how I'm feeling.  Tuesday I told him that I was still mostly feeling fine, that perhaps this wasn't going to be as uncomfortable as the formal weight gain I've gone through in the past.  Those programs (partially because of insurance limits) tend to focus on high calorie meals all the time, as much weight gain as quick as is physically healthy.

Realistically speaking you have to expend serious effort to gain any more than about 2 pounds of fat/muscle (as opposed to water) in a week.  (The same is true for losing fat/muscle as oppose to water.)  Realistically speaking the things that recoup "padding" first are things like organs (ever seen a healthy heart in autopsy photos? it has some fat on it).  

When the husband asks how I'm feeling and I share that there are moments of discomfort, he reminds me that the discomfort isn't based in reality.  And that's true, of course.  It's not.  But simply knowing a feeling isn't based in reality is, of course, not enough to just stop feeling it.

My fear is now, as it has been before, that I will continue to gain weight (which I will) but that I will not get used to it.  That I will hit my body's natural set point, and just never feel comfortable there.

Realistically speaking, there are a lot worse ways to feel trapped in your own body and mind.  Magically, that reality does not make me feel any better.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sure everyone you encounter says this to you on a daily basis, but in my experience it will be hard to adjust to your set point for a long time, but it will happen. The difficulty will be in the mental adjustments but it will happen eventually!


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