Relapse, Recovery, Rewind

(source)

I don't check in over at PostSecret much, but I did this week, and lo and behold. I don't know at all that this sender has an eating disorder as opposed to, say, an illness that requires habitual treatment with steroids or an antipsychotic that causes weight gain, etc. But I can imagine. And this week, after the last two and a half months, after travel and funerals and holidays and the attendant changes of sceneries and plans and foods, I can imagine very well. Tonight was my first normal day in a while when conditions produced a perfect storm of ordinary circumstance and ordinary behavior. Just a normal work day, no holidays, funerals, trips out of town, or odd errands - and "normal" behavior, absolutely, abnormally on purpose. I feel nauseous, panicky, irritable, and trapped. And this is after one day. Of mostly normal behavior. This is what I intellectually knew would happen if I decided to relapse, and what I disorderedly decided wouldn't happen if I just happened to relapse. Because the excruciating process of recovery is the NUMBER ONE THING on any good anorexic's or bulimic's list of "Why I Don't Want to Relapse." The sad thing is, looking back over the past year, I'm not sure I can pick out any other options than "relapse" as comfortable coping mechanisms for what a shit storm 2009 was. The more that I think about it, I think I will definitely retract the last post's invitation to 2010 to "bring it on."

***************

A friendly reminder from your neighborhood Nymph: This blog is basically semi-anonymous (to borrow a phrase from a friend). If you see me about using something other than my first name or nickname (say, on Facebook), please bear in mind that while I don't exactly go to great pains to distinguish Cynical Nymph from my other online presences, I don't go trumpeting the blog name about, either. That being said, would y'all do me a quick favor and toss this up on Facebook, Twitter, your blogs, etc.? It's an interesting perspective and deserves to be discussed more widely. (Why, for instance, the HuffPo didn't publish it, I dunno, BEFORE the holidays leaves one scratching one's head.)

Funeral Food, Holiday Food, Food Talk

2010 is already on my shit list. I got a jury summons... for my birthday. This calls for a flaming bag of poop on a doorstep.

I'm around, but just barely. My Nana passed away last Sunday so I was in Atlanta for the better part of a week and have been scrambling to get ready for Christmas and hosting the husband's and my parents.

The Southern funeral process involves a lot of fried food, in case you didn't know, and minimal fruits and vegetables, so I got stereotypically and appropriately freaked out about that. I also got to hear various family members telling me I ought to be "fattened up," which is just... people, that is the opposite of helpful. Getting "fattened up" is exactly what people with eating disorders are horrified might happen if they break their food rituals or take in a complete complement of nutrients. There's minimal difference in an ED patient's mind between being "fattened up" and "putting on incidental weight because one is taking in enough calories and one's body is re-attaining its natural set point." Funeral food combined with other stresses combined with upcoming holiday food equals CN Becomes A Little Ball Of Crazy. It's either hilarious or totally irritating, depending on whether you know me and/or care about me.

Anyway, so that's your tip for the holiday season: don't tell someone who's recently lost weight that they need to be "fattened up." You might be driving them to do exactly the opposite.

2010, bring it on. I guess. Or don't.

Year Decade In Review

or, "Yes, I Know It's Still Early December But I Can't Think Of Anything To Write About."

2009 insists on not wrapping up its campaign for official title of "2009: You Have Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me," despite the fact that voting wrapped up around Rosh Hashanah and the award was presented to 2009 in a duly sombre Yom Kippur ceremony. Someone really needs to tell 2009 that the contest is over, and it won the YHGTBFKM crown by leaps and bounds.

Everyone's been trying to Name the Decade in the news lately. People are going with "The Decade from Hell" or "The Terror Decade," but that doesn't have quite the ring of "The Roaring '20's," does it? My decade was... well... pretty damn mixed.

2000-2009

- I went to and graduated from college. Win.

- Semester in Paris, 2002. Experience Win, Heartbreak Lose.

- I realized I didn't want to do anything in my area of study, for survival reasons. Lose, but also personal responsibility Win for not dying of anorexia. Speaking of which...

- Eating disorder. Lose.

- Some activism, charity donation and blogging because of eating disorder. Sort-of Win.

- I got married. Win.

- Marriage is hard. Short-term Lose. Long-term Win.

- The Internet exploded over everything and I made lots of friends this decade between that and college. Oddly, the friends from high school and the Internet seem to have the highest attrition rate, despite what my mother always said. ("Your college friends will be your friends for life!") Win and Lose.

- BlogHer '09 with Goat Mama. Win.

- 2009: YHGTBFKM really, truly earned its title. Lose.

Considering this was my first decade of legal adulthood (no one's saying it's been a full decade of emotional or developmental adulthood, you see), I figure that's about on track.

Take the hint, Quantum Field. After 2009, I'm expecting some pretty not-sucktastic things coming my way in 2010. And, QF, in case you don't feel like complying, let it be known that this is going to be my policy for the coming decade:

Optical Escapism

I'm going to the dentist at 3:30. I hate going to the dentist. Every six months or so, the trip rubs in the fact that (usually) I am Not Better, which in turn reinforces my assumption that I am a Lazy, Bad Person, which in turn makes me Unhappy.

To combat that, here are some Things That Make Me Happy, mixed media edition.

Books

Mercy Thompson series

by Patricia Briggs

Kate Daniels "Magic" series

by Ilona Andrews

Eric Northman

grâce à Charlaine Harris and her Sookie Stackhouse series

Movies

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I'm keeping the faith that they won't screw it up too badly...)

Music

The Boss 4 eva

Bruuuuuuuuce!

And, lastly, Television, specifically

Firefly

Cracked. Yes, Really. Cracked.

It's a bit off-topic for my little blawg here, but I have an important article from Cracked.com. Yup. Cracked.

6 Mental Illness Myths Hollywood Wants You to Believe

"... It's the implication that in each crazy person, good mental health is lurking about one-inch beneath the surface, ready to be cured in a couple of days. So when somebody raised on these movies actually runs into an actual mentally ill person, they can't help but wonder why they don't just get over it already..."

I love Cracked's lists. They crack me up. But let's be honest: they usually don't have much redeeming value to them. This one, shockingly, does. I know - I couldn't believe it either.